Presidential candidate and constant receiver/transmitter of static electricity Bernie Sanders recently gave a speech in Portland during which a tiny bird landed on his podium. This was a small, cute incident with no political significance. So unsurprisingly, it has become a major focal point of campaign coverage over the last several days. However, the Internet seems to be over the bird, so today the Sanders team released a video of their candidate, the Socialist-with-the-Mostalist himself, fitting two clenched fists inside his mouth as a ticker at the bottom of the frame condemns Wall Street corruption. The video begins with Senator Sanders smiling at the camera from behind a desk. While explaining what he is about to do, he begins lathering his papery hands in coconut oil. He turns off screen and clarifies, “This is the food jar, not the lube jar, right?”
At the halfway point of the video, the sitting senator is red in the face, gagging on the one fist already lodged in his left cheek and looking solemnly at his second hand, knowing what must be done.
The clip comes to an end with the coolest old person in America writhing on his back, sweat drenching his baggy dress shirt, tears and snot leaking from his face and a small trickle of blood falling from both sides of his mouth. As his second hand makes its way past his now-chipped teeth, the Democratic-Socialist of the U.S. Senate lets out a crazed, though muffled scream of success and looks into the camera, his eyes bugged out and filled with nothing but a Berning hatred for crony-capitalism. He removes his hands, creating an unexplainable sound, and says, “I’m gonna be the fucking President, America.”
“My god. My god, he dislocated his fingers,” said former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in both disgust and awe after watching the video, questioning for the first time how badly she really wanted the Presidency. “Is that really what the kids want? Animals… Huma, get me some coconut oil and cancel my four o’clock.”