Frat President Hoping For Pledge Death To Bring Artificial Sense of Brotherhood To Next Level


In the dog-eat-dog world of southern college fraternity life, the brotherhood forged between white men who get picked based on their alcohol tolerance and student government connections is a sacred one. But Tau Tau Epsilon president James Dockers thinks there is even more room for improvement in inter-brother (no homo!) relations, which is why he’s secretly hoping one of the pledges for his fraternity suffers a freak accident to really bring that artificially-forged sense of brotherhood to a level not seen since before those “pussies at the Geneva Convention” outlawed most forms of torture. “The whole point of the pledging process and fraternity life as a whole is to bring the brothers closer together, so that their bonds can never be broken,” said Dockers, who almost interrupted his own sentence to say “no homo” before he said the brothers are close in what, like, could be interpreted as a gay way. “We make pledges do pointless, trivial shit because it bonds them, like driving them to towns a few hours away and then making them walk back, or scrubbing traffic cones for hours on end. Y’know, team-building! Just like in the Marines!”

Tau Tau Epsilon’s primary Pledge Handler™ Trag is equally excited about accidentally taking the pledging process too far. “Like I always say, the only kind of EBT we accept here is ‘Enhanced Brotherhood Techniques!’” said Trag, who bears a strong resemblance to a douchier version of Andre the Giant. “I’ve always had this internal anger that I desire to take out on others, so I think being given a channel to let out my anger while furthering my own social status all under the moniker of ‘brotherhood’ – no homo -- is a fantastic idea! And, as a participant in these activities, I consider myself the most qualified to police these sort of topics and think that all-male organizations of college men should regulate themselves… hey, have you heard of the libertarian club?”

Dockers has already commissioned a eulogy from one of his “English major nerd” friends, reportedly asking said friend to “make it sad and shit” and a tasteful symbolic reworking of the fraternity’s letters into a shareable Facebook memorial graphic from an art major, “just in case.” He has even begun brainstorming a hashtag to show solidarity for this unspeakable hypothetical tragedy, and is stuck between #TauTauForNowButSeeYouInHeaven and #BrothersForeverInHeavenButNotInAGayWay.