FSU Alert Somehow More Reliable Than Your Shitty Boyfriend Todd


Following last week’s stormy Thursday, it’s clear that FSU Alert is somehow still more reliable than your shitty boyfriend Todd. Per usual, the FSU Alert text for the storm on Thursday afternoon went out after the inclement weather had passed, sent multiple times and ultimately did not fucking matter since you had to go to class anyway. And yet, this is more reliable than Todd, who didn’t even bother to text you asking if you want to go to Pot’s with him and the boys. It’s like, he knows that you had a long week and that’s so disrespectful. And God forbid you ever want to go out with your girlfriends and forget to invite him, because you’ll never hear the end of it.

While most of the time you have to go to class anyway, at least FSU Alert gives you helpful information when they text you, instead of sending you a ghost emoji at one in the morning when you have no clue what that’s supposed to mean.

FSU Alert even has the courtesy to not turn on read receipts so you can’t tell when they’ve read your replies. They can’t because they don’t use iMessage, but still, it’s refreshing, especially when goddamn Todd complains about you not replying after ten seconds of getting a “read” notification. Read the message thirty seconds or thirty hours after you get it, either way, no complaints! Nothing changes!

Instead of the usual “Wyd?” or “You up?” from Todd (or one of his lame friends whose come-ons you tolerate because you like the attention), FSU Alert texts always know just what to say. Nothing can compare to having someone who cares enough to tell you to “Seek shelter immediately, away from doors and windows.”