Suwannee is arguably the most iconic location of your freshman year, other than the bathroom of The Den at three in the morning where you cried every other Saturday night. From the first time you ate there for orientation and could already tell signing up for a meal plan was a mistake to yesterday when you ate some cold mashed potatoes and a cookie for dinner, Suwannee has always been consistent. But once you see these images, it will be hard to look at this dining hall version of Hell the same way again.
1. It’s hard to believe this is the same sign you pass every time you go to eat some mediocre pizza in a room that smells like your nightmares. It will be hard to ever see this place the same way now that you’ve seen it like this. Truly fascinating how a little perspective can be SUCH a game changer.
2. The first time you saw this wall of windows your tour guide probably told you, “Yeah, it looks like Hogwarts.” But that’s just their way of covering the truth.
3. To the average eye, this may just look like a regular Suwannee sandwich with questionable cold cuts. To the enlightened, the proof is in the mayonnaise. The Suwannee workers know stuff that the regular every day freshman with a meal plan is too caught up in conversations about last night’s escapades at the Strip to realize. Who is controlling John Thrasher?
4. This one seems obvious. You know mustard. You love mustard. But do you really? Or are you just a pawn in their game?
5. Ms. Killings is their leader. You find her trademarked “I love you!” endearing but it’s just her way of getting close enough to you to control you and everything around you. SGA elections, sorority rush, your GPA? All decisions made by Ms. Killings in a spin the bottle-esque fashion. Stay woke.
6. If you look closely you will see TV’s most overrated comedy, The Big Bang Theory, playing on the TVs in Suwannee. The Suwannee workers want you to be as brainwashed as the critics and believe this show is worth watching. This is a sure sign they are part of the Illuminati.
7. A pasta bar that is serving “inside out egg rolls?” Only one explanation for that. "The Illuminati (plural of Latin illuminatus, "enlightened") is a name given to several groups, both real and fictitious. Historically, the name usually refers to the Bavarian Illuminati, an Enlightenment-era secret society founded on May 1, 1776."