Lost in the commotion of a busy school semester and a spring break chock-full of sinning, many Christian students have completely forgotten about the sacred religious tradition that is Lent. Observed for the 40 days leading up to Easter Sunday, Lent is a time when many individuals draw themselves closer to their faith with things like fasting, acts of penance and pretending they aren’t living a lie by having a Bible verse in their Instagram bio while simultaneously embracing gluttony, lust and sloth through binge drinking, tinder hook-ups and watching entire seasons of shows in one night.
“Personally, I have been a massive POS this semester, so forgetting Lent was not ideal. This was supposed to be my chance to turn it all around,” said junior Alexa Wilsap, sharing some pro-life propaganda on Facebook and looking up at the ceiling, as if to wait for a sign from God that she was on the right path. “I normally do something like give up bread or soda because restraining from those two things in Tallahassee is almost on par with what Jesus and Moses went through for those 40 days in the desert. Nothing to mix or soak up my liquor with? Crucify me.”
Others are also struggling with their failed attempts to sacrifice for their lord. “Yeah, I really blew it this year,” said fellow Lover of Christ Danielle Harris. “I said I was going to give up shitty opinions. I not only voted for Ted Cruz in the primary, but I also told people I actually enjoyed The Martian. I didn’t. I thought the plot was a cheesy commercialization of what is actually an interesting scientific frontier. I’m also tired of seeing Matt Damon in space. I’ll never forgive him for that shit he pulled in Interstellar. Anyway, it was really important I had a good last week of Lent. That’s why I decided to give up on going to class so I could focus on the important stuff like getting enough sleep and filling out my March Madness bracket. Oh and, like, praying and stuff.”
Despite Wilsaps’ personal shortcomings, according to her faith and borderline sociopathic personal beliefs, all could be resolved with the simple act of confession and pretending to be sorry for what she did. “That’s why being Catholic is the best,” Wilsap said. “I forgot to get ashes on Ash Wednesday? Oh well! Say “God dammit” every time the ice cream machine at the Tennessee St. McDonald’s is broken? Forget about it! God is good, God is tight. All I have to say is sorry ‘bout it and my man hooks it up.”