New Strozier Statue Just as Cold and Lifeless as Students In Strozier


Sometime during the past week an ominous new statue of Robert Manning Strozier was installed right on the ledge you have too many memories of sitting on and deep breathing yourself through a 4 AM finals week panic attack. The reactions have varied, but most students have found a strong connection between the cold lifelessness of the statute and their own zombie like appearance. “When I first saw the statue I couldn’t help but put my hand on his shoulder,” explained senior Alexa Hanover while leaning over three empty cans of red bull and eight graduate school applications. “As I felt how cold he was and looked into stoic, ever unblinking beady little eyes and I felt a deep spiritual connection, the likes of which I have not even experienced with my former lovers”**

The statue has not experienced much vandalism yet, and many theorize that it is because of the God-like power the statue is believed to have. It is widely believed that if you sit on Strozier’s lap, rub his tummy and call him “daddy” he will bring good fortune to you and your undergraduate career. Moreover, students fear that any desecration of this powerful shrine will lead to they themselves turning to stone. Stuck forever in a purgatorial prison of a library, with five floors and no seating.

“Look, with the way I see it,” began sophomore Chris Handler while climbing up a tree holding a hand made crossbow. “Either I start leaving some sacrificial squirrels at the statue’s feet for good grades on my finals, or I don’t and wonder what would have happened if I had.”


**Editors Note: Ms. Hanover has asked us to point out that she really just means Jake.