Student Aims to Set Record For Number of Coughs In Single Class Period


As springtime approaches, more and more students are infesting FSU classrooms with sneezes, sniffles and the crippling self doubt that what they are doing isn’t enough to fulfill their dreams. This semester, despite pleas from teachers and fellow classmates, many students elect to stay in class rather than rest at home. Junior Zach Miles, with an almost admirable amount of disregard for others, has made it his goal to set the record for number of coughs in a single class period. “First of all - fuck all of you,” Miles said, wiping his snot from his nose to his hands to his desk with one swift motion. “I get anxious if there are people in this world who aren’t as miserable as I am. So If I’m sick, it’s not just my problem; it’s everyone’s problem. That’s why I hope to own a tow truck company one day.” The business management major still holds the elementary school world record for boogers stuck under his desk and is looking for something a bit more challenging. “I live for the looks on peoples’ faces as they go from understanding to sympathetic to concerned for my well-being to straight up homicidal. It gives me such a rush.”

“This is all pretty unnecessary actually,” said Professor Richard Stevens, doing a quick shot of Purell. “This is why I post all my PowerPoints on Blackboard. I’m just here to get away from my wife for a couple hours a day and maybe answer some questions; narrowly avoiding the plague is not in my job description. Class is pretty pointless. Come to think of it, life is actually pret-”

Students are advised to stay home if they can afford to, rest well and take copious amounts of medicine including cough drops when they are feeling ill. There are hand sanitizing stations throughout campus to help ward off germs, and the Health and Wellness Center would like to remind students “not to be inconsiderate little douches who disrupt the entire dynamic of the class because they’ve never heard of blowing their nose or taking a Halls before, you stupid loser idiots. Get well soon, but if you fit that description, we hope it’s cancer.”