In a very predictable series of events, that one kid in your class who is literally always on Reddit will not stop talking about the smash hit Deadpool. The movie, which came out this past weekend and is now the highest grossing R-rated movie of all time, is literally the only thing this pasty white dude can talk about. The dude in question, Dillon Samuels, repeatedly references the prolonged nudity and gratuitous violence as a huge part of why he likes the movie. “I liked the part where the chick from Firefly showed her tits. I totally boned up,” Samuels said, opening wide and swallowing a Mountain Dew Code Red in one gulp. “I also really liked the part where he decapitated that one guy and straight fucking murdered dozens of people, not like those other pussy ass PG-13 Marvel movies.”
Samuels’ constant conversation about Deadpool has caused a problem within the classroom. Many students and even the teacher have become frustrated by Samuel’s obsession with Deadpool. “I get it, he’s a wisecracking hyper-violent mercenary,” said Professor Charlotte Xavier, who is very tired of students asking her to read their minds. “But didn’t Kick-Ass already try that in 2010?”
“He just could not be more wrong about this film,” said Owen Allen, a fellow student who sits in the back, also goes on Reddit the whole class and hasn’t washed his hair since his mother made him over winter break. “Deadpool is truly artistic and truly amazeballs, and its merits lie not in the decapitation or the part where the chick from Firefly shows her tits, but instead in the beautiful scene where he breaks most of his bones trying to punch Colossus, and when he sees not one, but many pairs of breasts in the strip club. If that wasn’t art, I don’t know what is.”
Samuels’ obsession with Deadpool is likely to subside soon, but only to be replaced by an even more unsettling superhero violence orgy: Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.