Florida Representatives to Honor Upcoming Anniversary of Shooting With More Guns


Despite overarching, seemingly obvious evidence that granting people more access to firearms increases the chance of being shot, as well as a less-than-year-old shooting on the FSU campus, the Florida Senate and House of Representatives are well on their way to voting in favor of HB 4001, more cutely known as campus carry. If the bill passes, guns will have a place on school supplies lists across Florida, right under actual useful and appropriate things for expanding one’s education. “Wait what? That’s insane. I’m totally against that,” said sophomore engineering major Clint Davidson, adding a Ready for Hillary bumper sticker to his car and ‘Activist/feminist’ to his Tinder bio. “Hang on, did you just say the hearings are at 8 AM? Sorry, no can do. I’ll totally like any Facebook page for the cause, but waking up that early on a probable hangover? That would be even more insane than the idea that more weapons will somehow make a high-stress environment safer.”

Camo enthusiast Ken Asher is thrilled about the possibility of obtaining the right to carry a firearm on campus with little training just because he wants to exercise a right he’s never actually read up on at the expense of $75 million in extra campus security. “It’s so awesome that my training in killing animals for sport doubles as training for killing a self-aware being who may also have a gun. It’s like -- how does that saying go? Killing two totally different types of creatures with one stone? Whatever it is, it’s my God-given right.*”

Even climate change denier/evolution ignorer/FSU President John Thrasher does not agree with campus carry. Unfortunately, the university’s representative in this matter, Rep. and possible Game of Thrones character Michelle Rehwinkel Vasilinda, has chosen to deny both public opinion and science (and as a result is now polling third in the Republican primary) and support the bill. “Stefano Cavallaro taught me that if I’m in a position of power, I can totally ignore any obligation to accurately portray the concerns of my representees. He’s really been an inspiration to all of us throughout this entire shitshow.”

*The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. I give you - Guns.” (Genesis 2:18)