Following his announcement that he will not be seeking the presidency in 2016, Could’ve-Been-Should’ve-Been President Joe Biden delivered an eloquent speech from the Rose Garden this afternoon about the importance of middle class-growth, LGBT rights, women’s rights, the abolishment of systematic racism and pretty much everything else you would want a presidential candidate to say. Fortunately, the way Biden ruthlessly ripped out and stomped on the hearts of millions of hopeful Americans does not count, because insiders are claiming that he definitely had his fingers crossed the entire time. “He also looked me dead in the eye and winked right after saying he wasn’t running,” said gruff, newly appointed CNN cameraman Jim Webb after asking the producer to use his shots more. “That part alone isn’t out of the ordinary, but paired with the crossing of the fingers, I can confidently say that Vice President Biden is absolutely running for President in 2016.” Online conspiracy theorists claim that if you play his announcement backwards at half speed and only listen to every fifth syllable, you can clearly hear him saying “My campaign for the presidency begins today.”
Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton missed the announcement because she was simultaneously lifting weights and answering policy questions in a 112 degree sauna. “Joe’s not running?” Clinton asked later as she laughed awkwardly and attempted to open a water bottle, spilling water everywhere. Secretary Clinton then walked to the nearest window and clenched her fists so hard her palms bled, while softly singing “America The Beautiful” through gritted teeth.
“I said what I said, I’m definitely not running,” explained Joe Biden, only to lean in close to the ears of the American people and whisper, “...Or am I?”