Following CNN’s three-hour televised reminder that Hillary Clinton is running for president and is in fact a woman and that Bernie Sanders probably invented the phrase ‘fuhgeddaboudit,’ few questions were left unanswered. Among the few was one from most-improved-debate-participant Lincoln Chafee, who wondered, “Who invited Anderson 'Big Ol’ Bully' Cooper to the sleepover?” “I thought we were all just getting together to hang out and talk about our favorite Pirates of the Caribbean movies,” explained former Governor of Rhode Island and hands-free muppet Lincoln Chafee, pacing back and forth in a onesie and sucking on a Dum Dum. “I realized this was not a hangout for the coolest presidential candidates once my staff told me to ‘watch out for Jim Webb because he’s definitely jonesin’ to murder a man live on television.’”
Designated daddy Anderson Cooper claims he was just doing his job. “I literally am required to ask the candidates about their past remarks and hold them accountable for answering the questions. What does he think this is, a Republican debate?”
Given time to wipe away his tears, Chafee immediately turned his attention to his fellow candidates to find out who invited Cooper, who decided this was going to be a debate, and who ate all of the Cheetos.
“It was me,” confessed grandma-who-would-definitely-ask-you-to-get-into-the-oven-to-clean-it, Hillary Clinton, “Bill and I have a fifty-some-odd body count attached to our name, what’s a few more?” she remarked, casually dropping a lock of Martin O’Malley’s hair into a smoking cauldron.