Sophomore Marketing Major Pretty Sure This Whole “Apple” Fad Will Die Out Soon


In the wake of Apple’s latest announcement of slightly-worse but just-as-expensive versions of technology that Microsoft released several years ago, sophomore marketing major Josh Williams has boldly predicted that the Apple brand will become obsolete in the next few years. Despite the overwhelming popularity of iPhones and Macbooks on the FSU campus, he says that Apple will soon declare bankruptcy and that their products will become the most successful MP3 players only among people who still use the term “MP3 players.” “Apple has only a few good months left before Android takes over,” sneered Williams, who invested all his Bright Futures money in U.S. oil companies because ‘they’ll bounce back once Trump declares war on Iran!’ “I’m surprised it’s taken this long. My Zune from eight years ago holds more Insane Clown Posse than any of these stupid iPhones ever could. Once I can convince my fraternity to not be afraid of green texts, Androids will become cool again, and then I’ll be just as popular as Justin Timberlake was when he brought back Myspace! Man, business is so easy.”

In reality, members of his fraternity are growing weary of Williams’ antics. “Honestly, we’re thinking about putting him on probation,” said Williams’ fraternity brother and self-proclaimed ‘Boner Champ’ Jack Davis. “We technically don’t have a rule about weirdly pixelated Snapchat stories or phones as big as the tablets we all pretend to need, but we’re just really sick of him bragging about how he never has to delete screenshots from the Delta Gamma bid day video because of all the storage he has.”

Williams’ professors are also tired of his attempts to convince his classmates that Android emojis “look exactly the same.” “I wish the kid would just fail out of the major so he could just switch over to economics already.” said Williams’ marketing professor, Darrell Adams. “He’s clearly pretty conservative and stubborn, and he deserves a department that backs him up.”