Determined to start their college years off right, members of class of 2019 are hitting the Strip and bumping and grinding on each other every chance they get. Unfortunately, it’s not all as magical as it sounds. Somewhere between asking the friend with the fake I.D. to buy them a drink and trying to find an Uber with enough of a backseat for Amber to lay down, freshmen are losing their wallets. Overwhelmed by the amount of half-assed Facebook posts begging peers to return the now mysteriously sticky and foul-smelling lost items, the University has decided to step in. “Chain wallets, while fashionable and my accessory of choice, are also the solution to this crisis,” remarked President Thrasher, whose entire family now hooks their chain wallets to each other whenever they go golfing. “Even with your strongest whip or nae nae, that wallet ain’t goin’ nowhere.”
The Greek Shop is jumping head first into the new policy, offering to monogram any chain wallet purchased at their store for free. “My wallet was the only thing I owned that didn’t say ‘I’m better than you’ in Greek, so I’m really excited,” said Kaitlyn Epstein, taking her monogrammed planner out of her monogrammed North Face backpack to schedule a time to get her new chain Lilly Pulitzer wallet monogrammed.
The University hopes that this new mandate will not only prevent the loss of future wallets, but also coincide with the upcoming Brad Paisley concert, as his opening act is fellow Southern belle 2 Chainz. Repeat ID-losing offenders are excited to use the money they were spending every other week to replace their FSU I.D. on more important things, like getting banded over and adderall.