Local Yelp Monster Expands Brunch Critiques to Saturday


The edible embodiment of white privilege, Sunday brunch offers Tallahassee residents the opportunity to both day drink somewhere other than a football game and satisfy their food-Instagram quota for the week. Unfortunately, Saturday brunch, literally the same thing as Sunday brunch in more culturally aware areas such as New York City, Los Angeles, and Jonestown, has yet to truly take off in Tallahassee. However, a select few monsters live for Saturday brunch, an extra day to kick back, relax, and write a scathing Yelp review of what was probably a decent meal. “I feel so lucky to have another day to project my own insecurities onto a plate of chicken and waffles,” says self-proclaimed “Yelp personality” Joshua Cruz. “I always felt kind of guilty doing it on the Lord’s day, but on Saturday, I don’t give a fuck who I’m potentially putting out of business!”

According to Joshua and his squad of wannabe-food critic vigilantes, Saturday brunch allows them to slander innocent restaurants in a way that Sunday brunch never could.

“Saturday brunch is just BETTER for shitting on local businesses,” said Tasha Hamilton, placing a strand of her own hair on her eggs benedict and snapping a pic while typing “Fuck. This. Place.” “There’s something about casually threatening to give a bad review and getting a free Bloody Mary that helps me forget that my parents don’t love me.”

Joshua really just wants to thank Yelp for all that its done for him. “Yelp allows me to express my inner asshole while being completely anonymous. Where else can you tell every restaurant what to do and how to improve, despite having zero culinary training or even food service experience?”