Strozier Starbucks Ready for the Week After Shipment of Three Cups, Single Napkin


It’s been three weeks since their fall opening, and Strozier Starbucks has struggled to keep up with the amount of students who choose to complement their overpriced tuition with overpriced coffee. The cafe is feeling confident after receiving their weekly shipment of three cups, a single napkin, and one already opened packet of honey, a day early. “Honestly, it feels like Christmas morning,” manager Chris Partlow exclaimed. “I’ve never signed for a shipment that large before. Usually they don’t even package it; the UPS guy just walks in and hands us the weekly lid and gallon of milk. This week, we’ll probably be fully functional for a half hour before we have to start interrupting orders with the extensive list of things we just don’t have.”

With this newfound sense of functionality, Strozier Starbucks has decided to take more steps toward becoming a legitimate business. These measures include but are not limited to making sure the milk and sugar station doesn’t constantly look like it was hit by nine toddlers with tornados for hands, and upgrading the booth aesthetic from “ravaged by Saber Tooth Tigers and chainsaws” to “maybe some uncomfortable foam-to-skin contact.”

Unfortunately, not all of Starbucks' employees are in favor of these new changes. “I didn’t take this job to give excellent customer service,” said cool guy barista, Jed, fiddling with his gauges that are definitely not in line with the health code. “The only thing I love more than coming up with idiotic ways to spell “Sarah” is telling boring customers that we’re out of caramel drizzle and watching the life drain from their eyes.”