Marco Rubio: 'UF Made Me The Pretentious Douche I Am Today'


Recently, Senator Marco Rubio spoke with an AM radio station in Des Moines, Iowa while the actual Republican frontrunners were on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and packing stadiums in Dallas. In his interview, Sen. Rubio stated, “I think there has to be a school where people who can’t get into Florida can go to college. And so that’s why we have Florida State.” Rubio was able to travel to the Sunshine State to give an hour-long speech at his Alma Mater, The University of Florida, but only if he spent the first half of his allotted time at Santa Fe Community College.

In his talk, elongated by frequent water breaks, potential running-mate-choice Senator Rubio thanked the University for turning him into, “...the pretentious douche I am today. Truly, without the sense of entitlement fostered by UF, I wouldn’t be half the ass you see standing before you.” The sitting senator followed this by screaming “GO GATA” with his tongue hanging out and ripping open his shirt to reveal a tattoo of an alligator defecating on the Unconquered statue.

His speech was especially well-received by the Republican base at the University. “We’re honored that Senator Rubio took the time out of his busy schedule of supporting Kentucky homophobes and denying science to come speak to us,” said College Republicans president Chet Arnold, who then screamed, “GO GATA” with his tongue hanging out and ripped open his shirt to reveal a tattoo of Senator Rubio attempting gentle, sensual anal coitus with an anthropomorphic alligator.

“You know, had I never attended the University of Florida, my ego might not be strong enough to withstand trailing a reality television star by 29 percentage points in national polls,” said Rubio, ending his speech on a more heartfelt note.

He then shook hands with Dean of Liberal Arts & Sciences Dave Richardson, who posed for a picture before screaming, “GO GATA” with his tongue hanging out and ripping open his shirt to reveal a tattoo of Tim Tebow giving a big thumbs up to the entire UF student body sitting in a large circle, masturbating to an idol of an Alligator in the center.

Students left the auditorium excited with commentary such as, “Yeah, FUCK the Seminoles,”  “What large hands,” and “I’m still voting for Jeb!”