Earlier this week, the Florida State University Economics Club found itself knee-deep in hazing accusations following a blistering report released by an undercover student, as part of a series of sting operations by the FSU administration to crack down on hazing. The informant – who shall remain anonymous, for fear of being associated with a collegiate economics club – has since been admitted to Tallahassee Memorial Hospital following internal, external, and intellectual injuries caused by the initiation process. “I awoke, sometime in the middle of the night, to find myself in a dimly lit room that was definitely just one of the regular classrooms in the basement of Bellamy, but that’s still pretty creepy,” recounted the student. “There was a key on the other side of the floor, but my legs were bound so I couldn’t move. Thankfully, the Club members left a trail of boots that were glued to the floor so I could pull myself to freedom using the bootstraps, but once I began to reach, I realized how demeaning and ineffective that method is.”
The heavily redacted report, which features dozens of pages of testimony, pictures of the injuries sustained by the informant, and a bunch of sketches of supply and demand graphs that seem to be irrelevant to the investigation, included a lot of detail about some of the practices.
“Shortly after, several hooded members filed in. I couldn’t see their faces - one of them definitely had a tattoo of Friedrich Hayek on his arm, although that doesn’t really narrow it down a whole lot – and started taunting me,” said the student. “They said things like, ‘Your face is just demanding to be punched, and I’ve got an excess of supply,’ and ‘I’m about to hyperinflate my foot in your ass.’ Just when I thought I couldn’t take any more economic puns, one of them socked me in the face and shouted, ‘If the market can absorb shocks without intervention, so can you!’ But honestly, I couldn’t. If a janitor hadn’t seen me, I’d be dead.”
While the student is recovering and being commended by the administration for his actions, a spokesperson for the university released a statement: “We hope that this brave student’s suffering will dissuade others from joining this “brotherhood” as it’s called – which is kind of funny, because there’s no written rule that says the club must be all male, it just sort of is. But as bad as things were, he’s lucky he didn’t try to join the Anime Club. Bruises and broken bones are one thing, but our informant from Anime Club now has a pathological fear of anything with tentacles.”