Chili’s Wants Everyone to Know It’s (Kind Of) Trying Its (Almost) Best (Barely)

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With the fall semester in full swing, campus is filled with people eager to spend the flex bucks given to them by the university as a push to sugar coat the fact that they’re paying $131/week for Aramark’s prison food. Preparing for such influx, FSU’s on-campus Chili’s is working hard to ensure students that if they choose Chili’s, their food will be ready in at least two hours and the order will probably be partially correct. “It’s a pretty big move for a restaurant to just come out and guarantee such high-quality service,” said Mike Philly, the only person who works in the kitchen. “Our Yelp reviews are out of this world. One user said, “I waited so long I was literally ready to fight somebody,” so we now call our servers ‘personal trainers.’ After just one visit to our FSU location, you’ll be ready for the ring.”

Chili’s knows that it is a popular stop for freshmen roommates whose stomachs can no longer physically handle microwavable macaroni and cheese cups. They also promise that the glacial service speed is a tactic used to bring roommates closer together by forcing them to people-watch and chew ice for 45 minutes.

“Another thing that people don’t understand is how fresh our food actually is,” explains Kandice Cookerly, that one server who always looks like she’s carrying your food but ends up bringing it to another table. “Everything is made to order, and when say made to order I mean if you order a salad, one of us has to get in our car, go find a farm somewhere, and start harvestin’. So think about that next time you tell me your lettuce is ‘a little too well done’ or ‘there was a fingernail in my cucumber’. I’m just gonna have to leave and find a new farm and that’s another 2 hours you’re sitting there pretending it’s worth it.”