UF Football Team Hopes for Redemption After Loss Against ATO Intramural Squad


In the opening game of the University of Florida’s official intramural flag football season, the actual Gator football team suffered a loss at the hands of UF’s Alpha Tau Omega fraternity, 40-8. The Greek organization, which didn’t even finish in the better half of their intramural league last year, has successfully convinced the Gator football team that the worst is yet to come. “We felt good going in, but those ATO brothers just blew us away,” said sophomore and starting quarterback Treon Harris. “I even borrowed a bunch of Adderall from those Ivy League-wannabe nerds in the Smathers Library, but those ATOs still put up 40 points on us in the twenty-minute game. After halftime they all decided to hold a beer in one hand at all times when on the field, which I guess was their version of a mercy rule.”

The ATO brothers hope that this is an indicator of at least a decent intramural season. “I’m proud of the way that we played, but we need to remember that we’re still just a bunch of frat guys who literally only do this to get rid of our dad bods, because apparently girls don’t think those are hot anymore,” said ATO member and ardent Donald Trump supporter Chad “They-Don’t-Call-Me-Rich-For-Nothing” Richardson. “I’m honestly more concerned about our rivalry match next week versus SAE, because not only is that an in-conference game, but they’re actually capable of knocking down passes.”

Although the Gator team is in recovery mode, head coach Jim McElwain didn’t sound completely downtrodden. “Y’know, we did lose to a team not even in our league, made up of kids from places like southern Georgia. But I’m optimistic about the future, and that’s mostly because my paycheck is guaranteed regardless of our field performance. I’ll be satisfied as long as we finish with a record that doesn’t look like it could be mistaken for a date in January, or whatever fraction Native American the Chief Osceola kid claims to be.”