Entering this weekend, few were as excited for the Seminole football season as freshman Stephen Watterson. The day started off for Watterson like any other game day; filled with Natty Light beer bongs, flagrant port-o-potty usage, and competitive cornholing. Little did he know, the night would end in a shameful display of confusion that would plague his college experience forever. After the first big offensive play for the ‘Noles, the classic warchant broke out and Watterson found himself swept up in cultish ecstasy. But as everyone stopped, Watterson kept on chopping, blissfully unaware of the psychological repercussions of his mistake.
“It was a classic freshman move, really,” said intoxicated super senior Phil Allred, a family friend of Watterson’s. “I feel kinda bad for the kid. By the second quarter it definitely started to hit him. I looked over at him and he had completely sweated through the Bealls FSU T-shirt his mom got him for Easter last year.” There are muddled reports as to when exactly Watterson left the game, but according to sources around him, his situation did not improve despite the game’s score.
Nearly 24 hours later, Watterson says he is still facing consequences for his actions at the game. “My girlfriend back home changed her Facebook relationship to single without even giving me a head’s up,” said Watterson as he walked out of Fresh Foods, head down, staring at the ground. Watterson even attempted to phone President Thrasher informing him of his problem but it went straight to an automated voicemail that just said, “The Thrash-Can’s totally busy right now, sorry! But how dope it is that we booked Zac Brown Band AND Amy Schumer for Pow Wow!? Keep paying tuition! GO NOLES!”