Orientation Leader Struggles Living With Exact Opposite of Resting Bitch Face


With orientation having just begun for upcoming first-year students, many are preparing for 48 hours of excessive walking, heat-induced thigh burn, and uncomfortable icebreakers. Returning orientation leader Emily Golden on the other hand, prepares for the burden of living with the exact opposite of resting bitch face. “I didn’t even want to be an orientation leader! Some OL supervisor just saw my face one day and assumed someone who looked this inexplicably happy had to have been hired already, and just handed me a polo,” Golden recounted before stretching to prepare for the intense amount of unnecessary leading, pointing, and wearing khaki she will have to do this week. “It doesn’t even end at orientation, I deal with this all year long. Visiting parents always think I have all the answers, people on Landis think I actually want to hear their rendition of Wonder Wall, and my quirkier professors crack even more jokes around me because of how into it I always look.”

Golden has plans to start a GoFundMe page soon to raise money to surgically alter her face to allow for a more arched eyebrow and consistent “I’m dead inside” aesthetic. To complete the look, Emily has even changed her wardrobe to what she describes as “Lorde meets Wednesday Addams meets local mortician.”

“I’m all smiles all the time,” said Emily while attempting to contour her makeup to make it seem like she's frowning without breaching into clown territory. “How am I supposed to show these freshmen how aggressively I do not care about whether or not the professor of their Intro to World Religions class got a good score on RateMyProfessor.com when my eyes say 'tell me more' and my smile says ‘you should totally add me on Facebook!’ I am miserable.”