Freshman Unsure if Protein Powder or Own Penis More Untouched over Past Year


As now-sophomore Colby Jones packed up his Gilchrist dorm room following his finals, he took a moment to reflect on his first year of college. Although he was proud that he only had to buy three study guides to pass financial accounting, Jones did have one burning question: “which was touched less: my penis or my tub of protein powder?” “It all hit me as I put away that 36-pack of condoms I bought at the beginning of fall semester,” said Jones, who also claims to have been stood-up on three separate ‘Yik Yak dates’, which are apparently a thing. “Not only that, but I also have this huge tub of protein powder my dad bought me, with a note attached that says ‘If you can’t get a bid, at least go to the Leach and get rowdy on your own.’ I’m sorry dad, but joining the intramural bowling team seemed like so much more fun.”

Colby’s social failure of his freshman year has confounded both his roommates and his friends from around the dorm. “He always seemed to be in such a good mood. Colby came off as a very sociable, open guy,” said fellow Gilchrist Hall resident and “semi-bowler” Grant Mitchell. “But then I learned that the most action he got this year was an outside-the-Chubbies handjob on the top of the Woodward parking garage and I really just lost all respect for him.”

Colby Jones did however have one pleasant memory associated with his pack of condoms. “Once I got dorm drunk and put a condom over the shower nozzle and just let ‘er rip. It took, like, thirty seconds for it to fill up and break, which is probably about as long as I’d need to use one properly anyway. I love College!”