Friends Silently Ecstatic Person Who Made Group Chats Green Graduated


A local group of friends made a remarkably quick emotional recovery this weekend after saying a tearful goodbye to a valued member of their squad. The friends agreed that while they will really miss Jonah Ryan and everything he brought to the group, they will not miss his participation in the group texts turning the entire chat green. “We obviously love Jonah, but his Android has been really affecting the aesthetic of our group texts since freshman year,” remarked English major Amy Brookheimer while Instagramming a picture of a kale smoothie with a racially diverse emoji-filled caption. “I haven’t even tweeted a screenshot of our hilarious chat in months because I’m honestly so ashamed of its greenness. And not to point fingers, but he’s had two phone updates since we’ve known him. He could have fixed the problem by now, but he refuses to. It’s just so selfish.”

The group has of course considered other bluer chatting options such as Facebook, GroupMe, or passing notes to each other written exclusively in blue Sharpie, but nothing has stuck. “Honestly, I feel like my friends are a classic example of iPhone privilege,” said Jonah while snacking on a TCBY cone because he just likes that better than modern frozen yogurt establishments. “If I have to get an iPhone to be accepted by my friends, then maybe they were never my friends in the first place.”

The friends have coped with the loss of their friend Jonah very well and have already created a new and improved iPhone exclusive group text, complete with their first ever group text name: “Blue is the Warmest Color.”