My name is Houston Barber. I am one of the founders and Editors-in-Chief of The Eggplant. I’ve written a lot of articles for this website over the last year and a half, but this will be the last and most important Eggplant article I ever write.
I have spent four years at Florida State University and during that time have conducted extensive research on the best places to poop, while also going to class and stuff. I compiled this list and evaluated each bathroom based on the following categories: Facilities, Location, Atmosphere, and Seclusion. If your favorite bathroom isn’t on this list, it’s not because I haven’t been there but because it’s not good enough. With that being said, it is time for me to finally unveil the top five best and top three worst places to poop at Florida State University.
5. Downstairs at the SLC
Artfully tucked away at the bottom level of the SLC, this quaint bathroom provides the perfect escape from the hustle and bustle of the SLC lobby. If you ever find yourself in line for a crowded movie and need to download a brownload, don’t follow the crowd into the lobby bathroom. Instead, head downstairs and you will be in for a treat.
4. 2nd Floor, Honors Scholars and Fellows House
A lot of people think the major benefit to the Honors program is living in Landis or early class registration, but the real value is in access to this secluded, modern bathroom located far away from any average students. Here you can not only poop, but also discuss Kant with the person in the next stall.
3. Strozier Basement
The basement of Strozier Library provides a splendid oasis amidst the desert that is all the other bathrooms in Strozier. Always clean and quiet, this bathroom provides the perfect place to escape from your annoying study group for a few minutes.
2. Fine Arts Building Lobby
While it’s not the cleanest or most spacious, the Fine Arts Building lobby bathroom is host to some of the most creative and all of the weirdest people at Florida State. Each day is a surprise as new art is constantly being drawn on the inside of the stalls. If you’re lucky, there might even be a performance art piece taking place inside.
1. Westcott Lobby
It is no surprise that the most beautiful building on campus also has the most beautiful bathroom. Immediately when you walk in you are greeted with swinging wooden doors that make you feel like you are a cowboy in the old west that really has to poop. With a gorgeous art deco design, the Westcott lobby bathroom is the perfect place to go whether you are waiting to hear Bill Nye speak or just really bored in Baby Bio.
3. HCB Ground Floor
HCB might as well stand for Huge Crappy Bathroom because that is exactly what this place is. The tile pattern is nauseating and the toilets aren’t even clean enough to vomit in. Servicing hundreds of the most basic students every day, this bathroom should be avoided at all costs.
2. Strozier Stairway Bathrooms
The only thing worse than having to study in Strozier is having to go inside one of the bathrooms that reside on the back stairway. The Strozier bathrooms combine all of the worst traits a bathroom can have and somehow manage to fit them all within twenty square feet. This bathroom does not deserve your shit.
1. Any Bathroom with a Curtain
Florida State’s campus has four Starbucks, two full workout gyms, and an airport hangar for the football team to practice in, and yet we still have multiple bathrooms on this campus with a fucking curtain? John Thrasher if you are reading this, something has to change. I don’t want to poop and then feel like I’m going on stage at the Tonight Show when I leave the stall. Together, all of us can make a difference. Please contact your local congressman and tell them we will not stand for curtain stalls any longer, or tweet using the hashtag #NoCurtains and #AllStallsMatter.
Well, that’s it for me. Thank you to everyone who has supported The Eggplant and shared it with friends, it will only continue to get better from here. I also want to thank Florida State University for not only giving me a place to poop, but also a place to learn.
I’d like to leave you with the words of the philosopher Bruce Springsteen who once said: “Someday girl, I don’t know when, we’re gonna get to that place where we really wanna go, and we’ll walk in the sun. But till then, tramps like us, baby we were born to run.”