FSU Rebrands Rape Tunnel


FSU has been undergoing a media firestorm in the past few weeks ever since Jameis Winston’s rape accuser Erica Kinsman chose to tell her side of the story in The Hunting Ground, a documentary about rape on college campuses. University officials have stuck to their story that “Florida State does not tolerate sexual assault,” essentially asserting that FSU does not have a rape problem at all. In order to prove it, FSU has announced plans to rebrand its infamous Rape Tunnel as the far cooler “Vape Tunnel." “Sure, FSU’s got its fair share of problems,” remarked President John Thrasher while he researched popular vaping slang words on Urban Dictionary. “Like when it rains on campus and you forgot an umbrella, or when you get to class and you don’t have a pen! But none of this sexual assault hullaballoo!”

Many people have wondered why FSU is rebranding the Rape Tunnel into the “Vape Tunnel,” when the campus proudly asserts that it is a “smoke free campus.” But as that one asshole in every friend ground who vapes constantly has said- “it’s just water vaper, man! Try it!” The Vape Tunnel will feature several amenities aimed at pleasing arguably FSU’s worst demographic of people including but not limited to EDM music, a monster energy sticker dispenser, and brochures on maintaining a summer neck-beard.

FSU is excited to begin the Vape Tunnel renovation process. If all goes well they will proceed to their next order of business: rebranding the “Rape Trail” into the “Grape Trail,” which is just a cute and quirky wine tasting walk that may or may not increase chances of rape due to alcohol consumption.