A Special Easter Editorial by Jesus Christ
To my loyal followers, On this day each year, you all celebrate that time I hopped up out the grave, turned my swag on, and came back to hang with my original fans. Aside from being possibly the greatest prank of all time, I did this for a reason; to prove to everyone that I am divine, and that if you follow my teachings, you will live a happy and fulfilling life. Each year, I look back on that day and think about how truly epic it was, and how glad I am that I pulled it off. However, last week, I downloaded the Yeti app to my iPhone 7 (divine privilege) and checked out FSU’s page, and I’ve regretted coming back to this earth ever since.
Let me start by saying this: I got my fair share of ass in my day, okay? I know that the Bible says that I remained celibate, but that’s just because my disciples were the original masters of PR and kept it all under the radar. I’m the literal Son of God of course I got laid! My son Brody Jenner gets laid and he’s just the son of Bruce Jenner!
So yeah, I totally get it – but for God’s sake people keep it in your pants. There are more tits on the FSU Yeti page than there are people who misinterpret everything I’ve ever said. Also, so many of you are bragging about your pull out game on there – didn’t you guys learn anything from my boy Oman (RIP)?
Honestly, I didn’t get nailed to a cross for you guys to have this little chill. And the drugs - good Lord. I mean, don’t get me wrong, my dad said “let there be kush,” and there was kush, but 4/20 isn’t for another two weeks. Although I guess maybe that’s my fault for combining the two best holidays last year, but I couldn’t pass up that opportunity, you know? Honestly though, if I see one more line of coke snorted off of a girl’s ass, I’m going back to my private island in heaven – for good.
This fucking app has me questioning if it was even worth it to come back. I mean, half my churches have DJ’s now, and my biggest supporter was the CEO of a fast food chain, and he’s not even around anymore. When my brother Kanye wore a crown of thorns a few years ago, people were outraged. Now, even my own dad likes him and even gave him the OK to refer to himself as Yeezus, which I thought was pretty fucked up and then my dad was like “chill Je, you never even had a platinum album.”
But to get back to the point, cut this shit with Yeti. Not to be a martyr, but getting out of that tomb was like, really hard, and I didn’t do it so that you guys could video tape yourselves shot-gunning beers and disappointing your parents. Keep up the puppy pics, though – I love those lil nuggets.
Jesus H. Christ
P.S. Fuck the Gators