Claiming that he may just be the luckiest student on campus, sophomore CoreyConnolly told reporters Sunday that all his poor grades on his midterms “totally don’t count now, motherfuckers!” thanks to the perfectly timed death of his roommate, Kevin. Connolly’s roommate, Kevin Richman, 20, passed away Saturday night after tripping and falling into a running wood chipper outside of a local Tallahassee Home Depot. Following Florida State’s student bereavement policy, the university has opted to relieve Connolly of all his midterm exams as compensation for his incredibly unfortunate loss.
“When I first heard the news of Kevin’s death, I couldn’t stop crying for hours,” Connolly told reporters as he sifted through his dorm’s mini-fridge, scarfing down all food items labeled with Kevin’s name. “Crying tears of joy that is! I was already at the point of no return grades-wise in most of my classes, and was really starting to think my Grandfather might cut me off! But man did I luck out when Kevin fell into that car compactor or whatever it was. Shit, this must be what it feels like to win the lottery on your birthday or to walk into a completely empty public restroom just in time to poop."
Connolly says he plans to spend the time that he would have used distracting his mom from asking to see his grades on Blackboard all of Spring Break to nude tanning by the pool while his parents are at work as he repetitively listens to Abba's "Dancing Queen" on full blast. “I’ve already sold most of Kevin’s stuff on Craigslist and have made a ton of extra beer money off of it,” said Connolly. “I think his parents were gonna drive up sometime after spring break to collect his things, but I’ll totally have the locks changed by then so it’ll be no biggie.”
In hopes of extending his academic vacation all the way through to finals week, Connolly says he has begun taking acting classes at a local theatre in order to perfect his fake sobbing for FSU administration and grief counselors.