FSU Preview Confirms Literally Every Worst Fear of Future Dorm Residents


FSU Preview offers accepted students and their parents the opportunity to receive an in-depth tour of everything the university’s okay with families seeing before they write any big checks. One of the most anticipated parts of Preview is residence hall open house, in which families can see the inside of active dorm rooms, and get a feel for where their student will be living. Residence hall open house is also great for the students themselves, because it assures them that every horrible rumor they’ve ever heard about dorm life is true. “I walked in and there was a bucket in the middle of the room,” said Tamara Jackson, who toured Landis Hall and wondered in sheer terror what the non-honors dorms must be like. “The girl who lived there said she couldn’t remember life BTL – before the leak. I can’t get that awful dripping sound out of my head.”

Jennifer Sutton, the resident Tamara toured with, says that living in a dorm is a lot like watching 50 Shades of Grey – worse than she could have ever imagined. “When I came here for Preview, Suwanee served fried chicken sandwiches, and I thought, ‘hey, I’ll gain the freshman 15, but it’ll totally be worth it.’” Jennifer shouted over the rumbling of her own stomach. “Now, I haven’t eaten a real meal in weeks. I’m surviving on pizza and all of the food porn Twitter accounts I follow.”

Preview has many students considering forgoing college altogether, including potential English major Carl Franklin. “I already know I’m gonna spend the rest of my life in a dingy room taking cold showers and trying to remember the last non-processed food I ate – why would I spend $3,000 a semester for a head start?”