Student Kicked Off Quidditch Team After it’s Discovered He’s Only Seen the Movies


Junior Steven Bell has spent the last three years as captain and star seeker of FSU’s quidditch team. That, however, came to an abrupt end last evening when Bell let it slip during practice that he has never actually read any of the books but has instead only seen the movies. “I haven’t felt this betrayed since Peter Pettigrew helped Voldemort kill James and Lily Potter,” said freshman quidditch player Tiffany Bortles. Tiffany and the other young quidditch players have been so discouraged by their captain’s disgraceful admission that they have begun questioning their own love for the boy who lived. “I was in the process of re-reading Prisoner of Azkaban for the thirteenth time. But now, I don’t know, I might just read Divergent or something.”

Meanwhile Bell says he is not quite sure of what happened or why he got kicked off. “One minute I’m talking about how happy I was that Harry broke the Elder Wand after the Battle of Hogwarts, and the next minute they’re taking away my firebolt and calling me mudblood.” All in all though, Bell is pretty happy with the way everything worked out. “I’ve been trying to find a way to quit the team for years but they wouldn’t let me because they said I made an unbreakable vow, whatever that means.”

The quidditch team now faces the tough task of replacing their star captain, but they have hope everything will be fine. “Everyone is replaceable,” Tiffany says. “Hell, Dumbledore had to replace six Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers in six years, and that worked out perfect for him. At least I think it did. I actually haven’t finished the sixth book yet, please don’t tell me what happens.”