As students everywhere are stocking their kitchens with Bud Light and Cheetos in preparation for tonight’s Super Bowl, junior Creative Writing major and pretentious fuck Simon Hartwick has plans of his own. Instead of watching the game, Hartwick is psyching himself up for tomorrow, when at least one of his professors asks, “Who watched the Superbowl?” He is ready to raise his hand, tighten his asshole, and tell everyone how he spent his Sunday not conforming to society’s standards. Hartwick wants the world to know that he will be spending his Sunday in his bed, wearing headphones and a blindfold. “If only there was a world without balls to throw back and forth nonsensically. The world is suffocating in a pile of balls and capitalism,” Hartwick whispered, taking a Polaroid of a dandelion. “I would rather watch all my vinyls burst into flames than sit on someone’s couch and scream at a screen made by underpaid starving workers.”
Dick Hartwick, Simon’s dad, says Simon was a pretentious fuck from a very young age. “I was so excited to take my boy to his first football game when he was 8 years old. You know what he did? He turned his back to the field for the entire game, and rolled his eyes whenever anyone cheered.” Instead of following in his Dad’s footsteps and playing sports in high school, Simon joined the drama club, only to quit after the director refused to let him do a twenty-minute Shakespeare monologue in the middle of Happy Days: The Musical.
In an attempt to make sure enough people know that he did not watch the Super Bowl, Simon plans to stand outside Tomahawk Sports Bar with a megaphone every night this week. “This is mostly for anti-sports activism, but if anyone wants to listen to me talk about the Oscar nominations, I’m willing. In the end it’s really all about me needing attention.”