FSU Moves Free Speech Zone to Basement of Strozier Library


After enduring months of criticism by students and faculty, FSU administration have finally decided they’ve had enough. Starting next week, the free speech zone located outside the student union will be moved to the basement of Strozier Library available only between the hours of midnight and 3 am. “This is a great first step to my ultimate goal of eliminating all free speech whatsoever,” said FSU president John Thrasher. President Thrasher has unsuccessfully attempted multiple times to end the harsh criticism of his policies by using such strategies as changing the lock on the College Democrats meeting room and cancelling his subscription to The New York Times. However, he feels that the movement of the free speech zone has the best chance of success. “All I’m asking is that everyone on this campus have the same opinions as me,” said Thrasher. “And if you disagree you can go to the basement of Strozier, but remember it’s still a library so you have to be quiet.”

Many people have expressed outrage at the university’s latest policy, but none more so than the few weird students who call the basement of the library home. “I’m there all the time and I don’t want these free speech nuts crowding my space,” said philosophy major Cedric Coleman. “I need that basement to escape from my fascist roommates, and maybe catch up on some Game of Thrones fan fictions. Have you read the one about Cersei and Hodor’s beyond the wall getaway?! Don’t worry I won’t spoil anything.”

Nevertheless, the university plans to go ahead with the change as planned. “I know you may be upset now, but this will really be the best thing for everyone,” said President Thrasher. “You won’t have to hear those bigoted preachers and pro-life advocates, and I can continue living in a fantasy world where I’m qualified to be a university president. It’s a win-win.”