Alumni Parents Throw Infant into Westcott Fountain in Celebration of First Birthday


Late last night, FSU alumni Deborah and Jeff Collier tossed their baby boy into Westcott Fountain in celebration of their son’s first birthday. Though the tradition - relentlessly encouraged and solely participated in by overenthusiastic ex-orientation leaders - is technically reserved for 21-year-olds, the couple sees no problem with their choice to prematurely toss their child. “Why wait until your 21st birthday when you can just be thrown in on your first?” said the parents as they searched for the perfect shade of garnet glitter paint to cover their baby. “We just want our kids to experience the same traditions we did, without giving them the chance to say no.”

Many current FSU students, however, were deeply offended by the parents’ actions. “Next to misplaced priorities and debatable racism, getting thrown into the fountain on your 21st birthday is the greatest tradition we have,” says newly 21-year-old Jessica Draper, still thriving off the energy of her Disney princess-themed waltz. “First freshmen and sophomores get thrown in, and now this? What’s next, babies taking my spot in the lineup at Bullwinkle’s karaoke? It just takes away the fun for us REAL 21-year-olds. Being 21 is like the only cool thing about me that I have left.”

Nevertheless, the Collier parents don’t regret their decision in the least, and plan to do it again if the opportunity arises. “We’ll definitely be back,” says Jeff. “We’ve named all our kids after the FSU Bus Routes, and with God’s blessing, we’ll be back here with our baby girl Tomahawk very soon.”