Student Activist Getting Better at Pretending to Know who the Koch Brothers Are


Sophomore Economics major Ben Alkire was pleasantly surprised with himself today when he participated in a conversation with two other students about FSU and the Koch Brothers without knowing anything about who they are or what they do. This is the third time this semester that Alkire has spoken up in a conversation about politics, and he shows no signs of slowing down. “My interest in politics and activism started from an early age, when I saw that Hey Arnold episode where Helga’s dad was gonna chop down a tree, but Arnold and the gang stopped him,” said Alkire as he stood in line at Rising Roll, judging all the people eating Chick-Fil A. “I just wish everyone cared about the issues affecting us as much as I do. I mean, I even watched and live tweeted the whole first ten minutes of Obama’s State of the Union this week.”

Alkire spent all of last semester on the front lines protesting the hiring of John Thrasher and the university’s involvement with the notorious Koch Brothers. “Six months ago, I didn’t even know FSU had a president, but now I can’t sleep at night because I know John Thrasher got elected. I just hate him so much.” When asked what specifically about President Thrasher he disapproved of, Alkire said, “Well, there’s literally so much that I don’t even have time to talk about it. Actually, I have to go right now.”

Fortunately for Ben Alkire and other student activists, the university promises to take their complaints and criticisms into serious consideration. “At Florida State University, we take free speech very seriously and encourage students to protest and give their opinions about any issues,” said President Thrasher, carefully trying to not make eye contact with any student or professor as he walked through campus. “Of course, you’re only allowed to do so in our designated free speech zone, which has now been moved to the basement of Strozier library between the hours of midnight and 3 a.m.”