Actual Seminole Indian Not Sure If More Offended by FSU Mascot or Thanksgiving


Thanksgiving is two days away and FSU students are looking forward to indulging in copious amounts of free food as well as nonchalantly rounding up their GPA to each family member who asks. Despite the excitement most college students are feeling for the holiday, the Seminole Indian Tribe is collectively rolling its eyes at the one day more offensive than every white person doing the war chant combined. “Usually we can ignore the blatant racist appropriation of our culture by watching strictly SEC games and never going to music festivals where white people wear headdresses.” Remarked one Seminole Indian. “But on Thanksgiving, this entire country praises itself for that one time white people invited some Native Americans to their potluck 400 years ago. Then once they knew how to grow corn on their own they went all “finders keepers” on the land we actually found first and spread fucking smallpox.”

Many have expressed concern recently over the racism of the Washington Redskins’ mascot, but the same controversy is rarely seen pertaining to FSU’s Seminole mascot, which was approved by the Florida Seminole Tribe, whose leaders continue to benefit from the partnership financially through casinos utilizing the Seminole brand. This of course was not approved by any other branches of the tribe, the majority of whom reside in Oklahoma. But in the actual words of ex-Florida Governor Jeb Bush, those who disagree with the Seminole representation of the tribe “need to get out more.”

“What’s the big deal, anyway?” Inquired FSU president John Thrasher as he sang along to “Fancy” in Iggy Azalea’s signature ‘blaccent’ and returned Rick Scott’s poke on Facebook. “The tribe said it was cool, Thanksgiving food is incredible, and my speech at FSU’s vigil has my approval rate up to almost 10% among students. Just chill and let me and the rest of the aggressively white old men in power do our thing. I mean, isn’t that what Thanksgiving is really about?”