Florida State students and fans were disappointed but not at all surprised this week when the Playoff Committee once again snubbed the Seminoles, refusing to acknowledge their 26-game win streak. What did surprise students, however, was who did take the number one spot – the Seminoles’ neighbors, the Tallahassee Community College Eagles. “We’ve been struggling to find a new way to show the Seminoles that we really don’t care about their achievements,” said committee chairman Jeff Long, throwing darts at a Rashad Greene fathead. “We can only ride Mississippi State’s dick so many times.”
Condoleezza Rice, self-proclaimed college football expert, commented, “We thought putting a team with one loss ahead of FSU would fuck with their heads, but putting them behind a team that isn’t even part of the NCAA is taking it to a whole new level. Why didn’t we think of this before?”
The new rankings are sure to heighten the already existing tension between FSU and TCC students. “First, they wanna rush our fraternities. Now, they wanna take our number one spot. What’s next – voting in our SGA elections? Riding our buses? Marrying our girls?” wonders a local douchebag, clicking the heels of his Sperry’s and whispering, “There’s no place like Doak…”
While the FSU Athletics Department investigates how this is possible, students and fans can be consoled by the one institution that always recognizes and respects the football team’s achievements, the Tallahassee Police Department.