Student Life Cinema Salutes Veterans with 24 Hour Cadet Kelly Marathon


This year for Veterans Day, the Student Life Cinema has decided to honor the men and women who risked their lives for our freedom with a 24-hour continuous screening of Disney’s Cadet Kelly. The movie, starring Hilary Duff and the Even Stevens Bitchy Resting Face girl, is renowned for its hauntingly accurate depiction of war and the day-to-day struggles of being a soldier. “I’ve been to war,” says Clarence Beauford, a janitor at FSU who is probably lying. “Let me tell you, it was pretty. We weren’t ever doing that Hollywood hoo-ha where Bradley Pitt and Max Damon shit in their helmets and then blow the brains out of Nazis with assault rifles. No, it was mainly sitting around the base, decorating our outfits and twirling fake white guns for fun.”

Junior and SLC worker, Walsh Handburster, says that, “It was really between Cadet Kelly and G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra, but we thought that the latter might have been a tiny bit historically inaccurate. In America we celebrate individuality, something that Cadet Kelly knows all about. I’m not saying she was the first soldier to wear pink camouflage pants, but she definitely was the first not to be recognized by enemies and shot in them.”

While many people are excited about the movie marathon, History major and overall buzzkill Sarah Oakfield questions the movie selection. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” says Sarah. “Of all the great war films, they chose Cadet Kelly? Have they even seen Battleship, starring Rihanna and Brooklyn Decker?”

The SLC says they will stick with their selection this year but hopefully for next Veterans Day, Cadet Kelly 2: ISIS Takeover will finally be released and fans can watch as Kelly uses her razzle dazzle and drill team skills to combat her enemies and end terrorism once and for all.