Early this morning, five pedestrian students were rushed to the hospital after walking straight into oncoming traffic while crossing Stadium Drive. This incident stands in a long line of cases of pedestrian mob mentality, wherein an entire group of people hesitant to cross the street mindlessly follow along after one person does it first. “I’ve always thought I wasn’t really affected by peer pressure.” Said Chelsea Willis, one of the victims and self described "Whovian." “In high school everybody told me that I should try pot and that wearing a raccoon tail and writing anime fan fiction wasn’t going to make me any friends. And it didn’t. But that never made me give in, until now. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore.”
This isn’t the first time a mob of pedestrians has gotten themselves into trouble and FSUPD fears it won’t be the last. FSUPD chief Kurt Lessdoug has initiated a new, poorly named program called “stop, drop and THEN walk it,” in attempt to promote safe pedestrian behavior across campus. “And if these pedestrians don’t walk safely, then we will COP IT. Oh my God get it?” Said Lessdoug as he signed a “Support Darren Wilson” petition and stroked a possibly racist German shepherd named “George Wallace.
Luckily, this specific event yielded no fatalities, but next time the victims may not be so fortunate. With any luck, this will be the last in a long line of incidents in which FSU students have had trouble thinking for themselves.