Early this afternoon, an eager tour group’s interest in FSU quickly plummeted after they encountered a student riding a Razor scooter to class. Despite the tour guide’s fervent efforts to convince the group that the student was just riding the scooter ironically, the student’s Crocs and jean shorts gave the seriousness of his ride away. As a result of this incident, all 15 touring high schoolers decided that FSU just “might not be for me.” “This is the fourth fucking time this semester some loser on a Razor scooter has ruined my tour,” said FSU tour guide Justin Brooksquire as he drilled himself on all of the campus statues via Quizlet. “It’s like at that moment, they don’t even care about how many secret Starbucks we have on campus, or the Burt Reynolds walking tour app I’m developing. After a tour group sees a student on a scooter, everything goes downhill. And not just because this shit usually is happening by Diffenbaugh.”The scootering student was not available for comment, as he was racing to get to LARPing practice.
Razor scootering students and their effect on this university’s coolness has become a campus-wide concern. “The media is already fixating on us enough, dude,” said one student who, admittedly, only gets his news from other people’s Facebook statuses and Yik Yak. “What if ESPN caught word of how many nerds still Razor scooter around campus? The press would have a field day!”
Not everybody sees the problem in the matter. “What’s the big deal?” Said Senator John Thrasher as he paused the Early Show on CBS to have a word with us. “I Razor scooter everyday! Even when my people told me ‘JOHN, it’s 2014, nobody is Razor scootering or calling themselves a creationist anymore,’ I didn’t give a fuck! Rick Scott and I even took a midnight scoot through Capitol Circle last night to celebrate our reelections. I’ll scoot until the day I die, even if literally every teacher and student at this university thinks I shouldn’t.”