When the Florida State football team arrived in Louisville, Kentucky yesterday for tonight’s game with the Cardinals, there was one player noticeably absent. Punter Cason Beatty was left in Tallahassee after Jimbo Fisher and everyone on the team told him they weren’t leaving until today. “It was all just an unfortunate misunderstanding,” said coach Fisher as he checked his phone to see 38 missed calls from Cason Beatty, “I guess he’ll just have to watch the game on TV and take another bye week.” Jimbo’s story, however, runs counter to what some eyewitnesses claim to have seen. “I definitely noticed someone chasing after us on the runway as we were taking off,” said the team’s pilot Rob Miller. “I asked Jimbo if he wanted me to turn around but he just said ‘Nahh’ and then put his Beats back on.”
The only person who seems to feel bad about what happened is kicker Roberto Aguayo. He reportedly tried to stop the plane from taking off without his friend, but his efforts, like a Cason Beatty punt, came up a little short. “It sucks that I won’t get to hang out with Cason on the sidelines tonight,” said Aguayo, “but in the end, I know it’s for the best.” Beatty reportedly tried to take a Greyhound to Kentucky for the game tonight but all the tickets had already been purchased by a mysterious person named “Jambo Fasher”.
When asked how he plans to replace Beatty, Fisher just laughed really hard and said he’s not worried at all. “Aguayo is so good, I’m just gonna have him hold his own field goals. And if it’s ever fourth and long we’ll just do what we typically do on third and long in the fourth quarter, have Karlos Williams run up the middle for a loss. I know it’s not very productive, but we need to give him some good memories of what it’s like to be a running back at FSU while we still can.”