Local Pumpkin Patch Owners Enact "You Instagram It, You Buy It" Policy


In a bold move that some are referring to as the “White Girl Apocalypse,” local pumpkin patch owners have come together to stop the growing trend of the predominately white, college-aged girls, who take pictures in their pumpkin patches and then leave without buying anything. “Every weekend I have to watch people judge my pumpkins and feel them up, not to create the perfect jack-o-lantern in the privacy of their own home post-purchase, but for the perfect Instagram picture,” said local pumpkin patch owner Rusty Stevens as he sipped a Redd’s Apple Ale and surfed farmersonly.com. “If I have to hear one more debate about filter choice or what track on Taylor Swift’s new album is THE breakup anthem of the season, I’m gonna lose my shit.”

Rusty says he’s tired of seeing his poor pumpkins used and abused. “I watch people pick up a perfectly good pumpkin, pretend to laugh while their friend snaps a picture of them casually sitting in other pumpkins, and then they just leave them all in the dirt. It’s exploitation.”

Other patch owners have also suggested banning typical fall outfits from their premises in order to profile the perpetuators. “Let’s be real – you only wore that Forever 21 flannel and those brown leather boots to match the overdone theme of your pumpkin pic. It’s hot as balls out here – we all know your feet are sweating.” Said one pumpkin patch owner.

White girls in Tallahassee are outraged at the new pumpkin patch rules. “I downloaded Afterlight specifically to edit my PPP – my pumpkin patch pic,” said local Instagram user and cute cupcake photographer Susie Ford. “I was gonna try to break 200 likes today –but there’s no way in hell I’m actually going to buy a pumpkin. I guess I’ll just have to upload another picture of chipotle or browse Pinterest until I find a cute craft to knock off.”