FSU’s Pi Kappa Alpha (PIKE) fraternity has been suspended due to reports of sexual battery. This is not the first time Pike has been involved in the mistreatment and complete disregard for women, and university officials have decided that the only way for Pike to even begin to make amends with women is to give away their house to a group of students they owe far more than a shitty frat house- the Women’s Student Union. This action is the first wave of the university’s more extreme sexual violence prevention program called “Payback’s a Bitch. So Maybe You Shouldn’t Have Sexually Assaulted One in the First Place.” The program has been made possible by the help of interim president Garnett Stokes. “We’ve been trying of get rid of these slimy fucks for years,” said Stokes. “I might have been screwed over for the permanent presidency but I’m making my last few weeks count. I’m gonna annihilate Pike and give their house, funding, and resources to a group of students who actually deserve it.”
Pike brothers will be required to assist in the complete renovation of the house, and must do so wearing seasonally slutty construction worker costumes while the Women’s Student Union members watch TV and make comments about their penis sizes on the commercials. “This is ridiculous,” remarked Pike president Joe Vance as he RSVP’d for John Thrasher’s Halloween party ‘Night of the Hash Slinging Thrasher’ and slicked his hair back with the special Pike formula- pledge semen and a little bit of Natty. “Just because we’re a brotherhood full of over-privileged fuckboys doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings.”
It will be possible for Pike to earn back their house spring semester but this is under the condition that they must, as a fraternity, completely and objectively watch all three seasons of Girls without making a single negative comment about Lena Dunham’s body. The brothers must then analyze the series for its feminist themes and compare them in a postmodern light to the work of feminist writer Simone de Beauvoir in a 10-page research paper. “So yeah, we’re pretty confident we’ve seen the last of those assholes.” Said Garnett Stokes.