Students in the third window for Notre Dame tickets were seen picketing the lobby of the student services offices this morning to fight for ticket window equality. With signs baring messages such as “We Were All Admitted Equally”, “Stop Loyalty Discrimination”, and “Third Window = Third World,” these students have finally become fed up with oppression and are ready to take a stand. “Who really has time to attend a track meet or a tennis match just to get loyalty points?” Said distressed third windower Carl Dawson. I’ve vowed to name my first-born child Bobby Bowden, even if it’s a girl. That’s loyalty. Even more, FSU strength and conditioning coach Vic Viloria was in line behind me at Chipotle the other day and I let him go in front of me. That’s loyal as fuck! Screw the system.”
Fifth year senior and ringleader of the protest Marty King voiced his anger in a powerful speech saying, “now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of loyalty point oppression. We will not be satisfied until all students, whether they attend women’s volleyball games or not, can raise their hands and shake their fingers as Roberto Aguayo kicks off from the thirty yard line. No, no, we will not be satisfied until garnet and gold justice rolls down the hills like the mighty streams of Felatia Geisha’s period pants.“
It seems however, that not all FSU students are outraged. When asked for his opinion on the picketing, first window junior Kyle Emery stated that he felt the rules were fair. “Look, I dated a girl from the third window once and let’s just say it didn’t work out. We were just from separate worlds, you know?” When asked to explain, Emery declined because he was late to a chess team tailgate.
The protest, while arguably affective, came to an abrupt end after Marty King received an email from his FSU webmail app. He then left the crowd of confused protesters deserted while singing, “window one at last, window one at last, Lord almighty I am window one at last.”