Tallahassee Police Department Agrees: Any Press is Good Press


Late Friday night, The New York Times released the results of a lengthy investigation into how the Tallahassee Police Department favors FSU football players and helps them avoid punishment. This is the second incident in recent weeks that has put the TPD in the national spotlight, after a video was released of an officer using a stun gun on a 61-year-old woman in Frenchtown. However, despite being universally lambasted, the Tallahassee Police have never been more proud and plan to thoroughly enjoy their 15 minutes of fame. “This whole thing has been nothing short of awesome. I feel like a celebrity!” said Police Chief Michael DeLeo as he tucked in his number 5 FSU jersey. “Just having one New York Times story insulting the integrity of myself and my co-workers would have been cool, but two? This is the kind of stuff I’ll get to tell my grandkids about one day.”

More than anything, the TPD is just happy to reclaim its spot as the most talked about police force in America. “Any crappy police force can make just one mistake and have it be talked about on the news,” said one anonymous officer. “But it takes a truly dedicated unit to put together a consistent pattern of mistakes that people are still talking about two years later.” The work of the Tallahassee Police is even gaining recognition from other units across the country. Monday morning, the TPD received a bouquet of flowers from the Ferguson Police Department with a note that read, “Keep up the good work!”

Meanwhile, Florida State University is desperately trying to repair its national reputation, while simultaneously doing whatever it can  to keep Sean Maguire from ever having to play in a meaningful game again. It was announced Friday that Jameis Winston will soon undergo a hearing with the university, where he will face possible punishments for student code of conduct violations. “We want to make sure this hearing is as fair as possible,” said Athletic Director Stan Wilcox. “So we brought in three unbiased people to hear the case: Chris Casher, Ronald Darby, and Treon Harris.”

While FSU tries to recover from the New York Times story, Chief DeLeo says the Tallahassee Police plan to keep enjoying the limelight.  “It’s just like what Taylor Swift says: haters gonna hate, hate, hate. And if someone says we’re a corrupt institution that prioritizes winning football games over justice and the general the safety of our citizens, well, we’re just gonna shake it off.”