Sick of jumping through the hoops of the normal Market Wednesday rules and regulations, freshman Larry Gizmo has decided to take matters into his own hands. Today he held his inaugural “Black Market Wednesday” in order to finally give consumers what they really need. “The Dorman basement was the perfect location for my black market.” Said Gizmo as he packaged a few tabs of LSD to prepare for the influx of buyers as Dance Marathon season quickly approaches. “I mean pretty much anything goes in Dorman and Deviney these days. Come next year this building won’t even exist and my market will be completely untraceable.”
“I was pleasantly surprised with the content of Larry’s black market,” said exercise science major Kurt Delroy. “Not only did he have exactly the steroids I was looking for, he even had pets small enough to hide in your dorm, HBO Go passwords, and discounts on loyalty reward points.”
Gizmo’s Black Market was visited by an array of campus personalities; everyone from English majors looking to get just one essay written by somebody else, to professors who claimed that a Four Loko would be just what they need to get through grading those same papers. One notable customer was a man who looked suspiciously like Senator John Thrasher, looking for “literally anything to make people like me more.”
Despite expected smooth sailing throughout the day, at one point Gizmo did shutter to see an RA walk into his market, who as it turns out just was looking for a hit man to poison her orgo professor’s Starbucks before the midterm next week. “All in all it’s been a great success and I can’t wait until next week.” Said Gizmo as he researched how to start a Swiss bank account.