Department of Anthropology Opens Kickstarter Campaign to Get the Hell Away from Coliseum


The Florida State Department of Anthropology has begun an online Kickstarter fund in an attempt to elicit enough donations to move away from the decrepit strip mall where it is currently located. This announcement comes following the football team’s plan to raise a quarter-billion dollars, and the university’s plan of raising one billion dollars, a goal announced by former president Eric Barron during an era now formally referred to as “the good ol’ days.” But how did the anthropology department sink so low as to be situated off campus next to Tallahassee’s crustiest nightclub? “The real problem is that nobody gives a fuck about anthropology anymore,” said one professor who preferred to remain anonymous. “I mean, pretty much the only redeeming quality of the field was the Indiana Jones franchise and the last movie completely bombed. Fuck Shia Labeouf.”

The campaign’s goal has been set at $10,000, which should be just enough to rent out a couple of UHaul trucks to load up everyone’s priceless artifacts and Gateway computers in order to move to some place where faculty can hold office hours without having to navigate around puddles of vomit and the smell of lost dignity upon entry. Despite this relatively low goal, those within the department remain doubtful.

“I don’t think we’ll reach it. Even Governor Scott called anthropology useless,” said Dr. John Matson. “This campaign may have been started with good intentions by a couple of eager TA’s, but in reality it’s about as hopeless and patronizing as the presidential search itself.”

Despite widespread doubt, at last check the anthropology department’s Kickstarter has reached the $1000 mark. This is mostly due to one professor offering extra credit for students who donate as well as a mysterious $500 donation from somebody under the pseudonym “just a people person.”