Renegade Forced into Retirement after Another Disappointing Season


Despite having led multiple championship teams onto the field, beloved FSU icon Renegade was relieved of his duties as FSU mascot on Saturday. The current horse, Renegade V, was let go following a recent string of poor performances on the field and replaced with Renegade VI, a younger, more modern horse that FSU hopes can lead the team in a new direction. The move marks the second time in five years that FSU has awkwardly forced an aging legend into retirement before he was ready. “We totally appreciate everything Renegade has done for this school,” said athletic director Stan Wilcox. “However, it’s obvious that he is well past his prime. We had no choice but to let him go. But hey, we’ll like definitely name part of the stadium after him. That’ll make it better, right?” Shortly after, Wilcox also unveiled a huge stained glass portrait of Renegade V outside the football stadium, saying “We didn’t think we had the money to build another stained glass portrait, but then we just took the money the English department was saving up to put doors on the stalls of their bathrooms, and now we have this beautiful piece of art!”

Many longtime Seminole fans have expressed outrage at the university for making this decision. “This is no way to treat a football legend,” said FSU dad Rick Gaither. “Before Renegade V, this team was nothing. He made this school what it is today, who are we to kick him out?”

Renegade V, however, is taking the news in stride – no pun intended. The horse has announced his plan to move away from Tallahassee and give Renegade VI time to make the job his own. “We’re going to fully move on from football,” said Renegade V’s trainer Brian Holden. “We’ll play some golf, go to bed at 5, maybe even write a book or two. Then hopefully in a couple years the university will invite us back for a game and we’ll all pretend like none of this ever happened.”