FSU’s Parent’s Weekend 2014 kicked off to a rainy start today. Despite the university’s fervent efforts to entertain what appears to be a massive casting call for an Old Navy commercial, FSU parents have been thus far disappointed with the weekend’s events. After enduring almost an entire day of planned activities, FSU Moms and Dads campus-wide have decided to take Parent’s Weekend 2014 to the next level. FSU parents agree that the time has come to get something more out of Parent’s Weekend. “I’ve bankrolled four different kids’ tuition here, and I’ve been coming to Parents Weekend since the first Bush Administration,” said FSU dad Jerry Coleman as he passed around a contact sheet to other parents in Oglesby Union who are ‘tryna get turnt’ this weekend. “And what do I get for it? A subpar barbecue and the option to pay to see a bunch of twenty something circus freaks? Not again. Not in MY Parent’s Weekend.”
“Hell yeah! This is OUR weekend!” exclaimed Jerry’s third wife and not actual FSU mom Carrie Coleman before taking a gravity bong rip in the middle of Landis Green. “I met a crazy cool mom squad at that Rome club last night and we’re all here to fuck shit up. That’s what FSU really means right?”
Coleman’s current child attending FSU is biology major Kurt Coleman, whose requests for his father to surpass Parent’s Weekend this year were declined. “My dad’s been texting me for weeks saying that this is PARENT’S weekend, not underage bio nerd weekend,” said Coleman as he opened a pack of condoms to strategically scatter across his apartment so his dad assumes he's lost his virginity by now. “Most years he just gets blackout drunk for 48 hours and threatens to send me to community college if I don’t drive him around Heritage Grove until somebody mistakes him for a super senior frat guy, but this year he thinks he's started a revolution.”
FSU dad Jerry Coleman promises that rain or shine, the REAL Parent’s Weekend 2014 will be a night nobody will remember. Of course until somebody finds a digital camera with crazy revealing pictures on it like in his favorite movie The Hangover 3.