Luke Bryan and Ron Paul Events Cause Local Confederate Flag Shortage


Local flag retailers reported early Thursday morning that their entire inventory of Confederate flags has been depleted due to the increased demand generated by the arrivals of country music star Luke Bryan and former Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul. This kind of Confederate flag sales boom has not been seen in Tallahassee since Rick Scott’s inauguration party, and things show no sign of slowing down. “Usually I only sell Bob Marley flags and Pulp Fiction posters to lame ass freshman,” said local street vendor Jed Ripple. “But then I heard about Ron Paul and Luke Bryan coming to campus, so I made sure to stock up on rebel flags for all the libertarians and country music fans. But I STILL sold outta those damn things! God Bless America!”

Flags aren’t the only local market that has been affected by this week’s events. Retailers have reported a significant spark in sales of Mountain Dew, Glenn Beck novels, and bumper stickers with low-key racist sayings like “If this flag offends you, then you need a history lesson!” These products have been purchased almost entirely by economics majors carrying copies of Atlas Shrugged and couples sporting matching Duck Dynasty t-shirts.

FSU student, proud libertarian, and new confederate flag owner Craig Barker has been waiting in line since sunrise to be in the front row at tonight’s event. “Seeing short YouTube clips and Reddit posts about Ron Paul has really made me the person I am today. I’m just so excited to finally see my idol speak,” said Barker as he paused U2’s new album to have a word with us. “My favorite things in the whole wide world are guns and freedom and Ron Paul is totally about that stuff too. I also just bought my girlfriend the dopest pair of cowgirl boots at Market Wednesday, so yeah obviously we’ll be front and center at the Luke Bryan concert too.”