Revamped Loyalty Point System Will Reward Students for Defecating on Anything UF Related


Following last year’s highly controversial system for obtaining student tickets, Florida State University announced today a complete overhaul of the Loyalty Points program. It’s all part of athletic director Stan Wilcox’s new plan to weed out the phonies from the real fans. “I’m tired of all these basic bitches thinking they can just show up to a game and expect to get Loyalty Points. That’s not loyalty. Loyalty is including the lyrics to the Fight Song in your wedding vows. Loyalty is soft core stalking Jimbo Fisher just enough to leave snacks in his mailbox after each win. Just going to games? That’s UCF shit.”  

The following will now be recognized as valid loyalty point earning methods:


  1. Aggressively yell “GO NOLES” in place of “here” every single time your name is called for attendance in class.
  2. Get 10 or more people to participate in a “Fuck the Gators” chant on the quiet floors in Strozier
  3. Promise to stay for the whole game even if it’s against The Citadel and Sean Maguire is playing quarterback
  4. "Accidentally" hit Tim Tebow with your car
  5. Legally swear to name your first born child after Bobby Bowden
  6. Arrange for an actual hurricane to hit Miami
  7. Go to a football game completely sober
  8. Kidnap Albert and Alberta, the UF mascots and force them to grind to the fight song
  9. Gage your asshole with a literal spear and pinky promise swear to keep it forever
  10. Defecate on anything UF related and/or lead a gator hunting spree complete with debatably racist Native American chants, headdresses, and war paint.


The new Loyalty Point system is sure to make Florida State fans the truest football fans in the nation. “It’s about time we start focusing on our football program around here” says Stan Wilcox. “Now I just need to find a way to get rid of the new medical building so we can have space for a third football practice facility.”