4th of July Canceled after USA World Cup Elimination


This morning, President Obama announced that in lieu of the United States’ embarrassing World Cup elimination, the 4th of July is now canceled. “When one American fucks up, we all suffer. I’m looking at you Dempsey” said Obama to a somber crowd gathered outside the White House.

Students at FSU are in general agreement with this decision, although would like to note that the drinking will continue as planned. But that’s just a normal Friday.

Frat club captain Bryce Porter is especially upset about this loss. “I put forth a lot of energy into this World Cup.” Says Porter as he uses fireworks originally meant for the 4th to set fire to his USA Chubbies. “As back to back world war champions and the ONLY country to win a Super Bowl, I expected to at least make it to the semi-finals.”

Porter isn’t the only FSU student to take the United States’ loss to heart. Freshmen Sierra Elliot notes that the remainder of Summer C will never be the same. “During the Cup you could run across Landis on the Lord’s day wearing nothing but a USA bikini and a ‘Bush/Romney family member 2016’ stomach painting and make at least 10 new friends. But that’s all gone now.”

As the vast majority of FSU students and Americans agree, celebrating the 4th of July at this point would be inappropriate and embarrassing. Any local holiday celebrations in the near future will be postponed until Labor Day in honor of FSU’s first REAL football game against Oklahoma State, unless of course if that game ends in a loss, in which case not even Christmas is safe.